Fully Trusting God

September 15, 2011

Surgery is only 2 weeks away!  I am feeling excited, nervous, & anxious!  I have been struggling with some fears lately…..it’s normal in this situation, I guess.  I have been worrying a lot about my boys, what if something was to happen to me during surgery.  I have two beautiful boys who mean the world to me, Gavin is 8 and Ian is 6.  Off and on during this process I have let my heart be filled with fear and concern for my children.  During one of my long testing days at the Transplant Center I met a woman who was hoping to donate a kidney to her dad.  She also had a son and expressed her fears to me.  She asked me if I had thought about writing a letter to say “goodbye” to my children……just in case.  I had not even thought about that until she mentioned it.  Later that afternoon, I met with the social worker who asked me if I had a will.  She gave me forms for a living will and advanced medical directives forms, “in the event that something was to happen to me”.  I struggled with these fears and concerns for some time.  I had even begun to think of what I would say in a letter to my boys.  Finally, God reminded me that HE was in control!  I realized that if I was fully putting my trust in God, there would be no need to prepare for a mistake!  It’s like I was saying, I know God brought me into this & I know he will see me through…..but just in case God is having an off day, I will take control.  I don’t think it works that way…..we either FULLY trust in God or we don’t trust in God!!  While I do feel it is normal to have fears, I am certain that God choose me for this journey and I am certain he will see me through!

I have explained to my sweet boys that when a friend is in need, we should help in any way we can.  I have told them if someone is hungry we feed them, if someone is hurting we help them.  I tried to put it in terms that little boys could understand, I told them “what if one of your friends was having a really bad day? Let’s say at lunch your friend spilled their tray and all of the food fell on the floor.  Then on the playground that same friend fell off the monkey bars and was hurt, what would you do?  Would you just walk away and hope someone else would help them…..or would you help them up?”  It’s the same thing I am doing for Gary; I saw a friend in need and tried to walk away.  I hoped someone else would help him, until I realized God wanted me to help Gary!  A couple of weeks ago, I was having lunch at Jason’s Deli with my boys when the topic of me donating a kidney came up.  Gavin wanted to know how I could live with only one kidney.  I explained to him that we have several “extra” parts in our bodies that we can live without; for example, tonsils & appendix.  My very smart 8 year old looked up at me, shrugged his shoulders and said, “I get it, God gives us more than we need.”  He looked at his brother and said, “Here Ian want a chip?  God gave me too many.”  Oh I love that boy……I think he understood what I was saying!  Gavin & Ian have shown some concern for mommy.  I have tried to remind them that whenever we are scared or worried we can talk to God about it, and it always helps!  I feel that learning to FULLY trust God is one of the MANY lessons he is teaching me in this journey!

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10